Whiskey River Soap Co.

Soap For Ho Ho Hoes ~ Smells Like Someone's Been Up In Your Chimney

$ 11.95

Hilariously fun bar of soap from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

You know the best thing about the holidays? All the ho-ho-hoeing going on. It's why they call it the most magical time of the year. And when I saw this soap, I immediately thought of you. Who wouldn't? When it comes to hoeing, you're up there with the best of them. That's why everyone invites you to parties. (Oh, and hey. I wasn't calling you names or anything. I'm just jolly like that.) 

Peppermint Stick Scented; approx 6 oz soap. All Whiskey River Soaps are handmade and no two bars are identical.

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Astrology Soap Capricorn

$ 11.95

Hilariously fun bar of soap from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

CAPRICORN
December 22-January 19

Smells like the boss of everyone.

Bergamot Boss Scented; Net Weight: 6 oz.
Note: Because all of our soaps are handmade, no two bars are identical.

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Soap for Outdoor People ~ Smells Like Fresh Air And Fresher Selfies

$ 11.95

Hilariously fun bar of soap from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

Sunsets just get me.

If I'm inside, you can bet I'm thinking of being out. I'm just never more comfortable than when I'm knee-deep in swamps, poison ivy, and cicadas. In fact, I once knitted an entire sweater out of coyote fur and campfire smoke. If you don't believe me, check my Insta pics. I'm the one with the fierce abs, trail mix, and year-round suntan.

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Soap for Office Naps ~ Smells Like Replying To Emails And Fading Aways

$ 11.95

Hilariously fun bar of soap from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

I wasn't sleeping.

 I was thinking really hard. Yes, sometimes my eyes close and my head lolls back when I think really extra-hard. Well yes, there can also be a smidge of drool. No really, it's actually a chiropractic-recommended ergonomic posture for aligning the neck muscles to alleviate a myriad of lower back problems that can arise from desk work such as sciatica and... hey, where are you going? I'm not bullshitting you this time, these are documented facts! Hey, it's called science, look it up!

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Soap for Alone Time ~ Smells Like A Good Book And A Hot Cup Of Tea

$ 11.95

Hilariously fun bar of soap from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

Why you so thick?

 Boy, are you terrible at taking hints. When I started responding to all your inane questions with random non-sequiturs, you didn't flinch. When I quit looking you in the eye, nada. And when I screamed "leave me the F alone!" at the top of my lungs, you fled the room but went on a texting spree. And that's why I hopped on a bus to Alaska and ditched my phone for soup cans.

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Soap for Bad Attitudes ~ Smells Like Always Being Misunderstood

$ 11.95

Hilariously fun bar of soap from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

Smells Like Always Being Misunderstood

So kindly take your affirmations and fuck off, yeah?

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Pencils for Boomers Vs. Millennials

$ 10.95

Hilariously fun pencil set from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

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Soap for Last Night ~ Smells Like I Can't Even

$ 11.95

Hilariously fun bar of soap from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

I. Just. Can't.

Grip your desk a little harder and try to forget what can only be described as the worst performance of Katy Perry's "Firework" to ever hit the karaoke circuit. And don’t even think of sidling up to the water cooler. Peg from accounting’s nasally voice is sure to induce the pukes, even if the ice-cold water doesn’t. And where the F is the Emergen-C?

Too Much Champagne Scented;  approx 6 oz soap. All Whiskey River Soaps are handmade and no two bars are identical.

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Soap for Gettin' Lit ~ Smells Like Lunchtime Cocktails & Other Bad Ideas

$ 11.95

Hilariously fun bar of soap from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

Wait, what's today?

Oh, hahaha. Like I care. What're we doing for lunch? Because I just found this adorable little bottle of mezcal under my car seat. That, plus a can of La Croix, and we're in business! The lunch business, I mean. I do have to get back by 3 for a video conference on "User Engagement Post-Snapchat." Whatever that means. I'll be sending snaps of my spiked can of Pamplemousse and low-key eye-rolling the whole time. It'll be lit!

Umbrella Drinks Scented;  approx 6 oz soap. All Whiskey River Soaps are handmade and no two bars are identical.

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Soap for Drinking Buddies ~ Smells Like a Match Made in Tequila

$ 11.95

Hilariously fun bar of soap from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

Meet me after work?

Haha. Like I have to ask. I'll see you at 5:01 p.m. on our usual stools at our usual spot with our usual drinks. There's such comfort in rituals. Speaking of rituals, I'm in the bathroom right now Snapchatting you on my fourth break of the day. Only two more breaks and it's five! Cya soon!

Dos Margaritas Scented;  approx 6 oz soap. All Whiskey River Soaps are handmade and no two bars are identical.

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Soap for Gen X ~ Smells Like Teen Spirit

$ 11.95

Hilariously fun bar of soap from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

Smells like teen spirit.

Hey, slacker. Remember those innocent days of worrying about which ugly vintage sweater to buy instead of stressing out about climate change and demagoguery? Perhaps you needed a real cause to inspire you to do great things. Other than trying to look like the coolest hobo, naturally. That's always a solid cause.

Freshly-Laundered Flannel Scented;  approx 6 oz soap. All Whiskey River Soaps are handmade and no two bars are identical.

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Soap for Love Stinks ~ Smells Like Chocolate & Swearing Off Dating

$ 11.95

Hilariously fun bar of soap from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

"Yeah, yeah, love stinks. It does, doesn't it? And this is the LAST time I'm getting fooled by love. Not happening again. So don't expect to see me on Bumble ever again. That's right. I'm done. Forever. Wait, what were you just saying about your yoga instructor being single?"

Chocolate Strawberries Scented; approx 6 oz soap. All Whiskey River Soaps are handmade and no two bars are identical.

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A Candle For Karma | Funny Candle

Sold Out $ 28.00

What goes around...

Comes around, we hope. And we're not necessarily talking about tricky STDs here, although, y'know, you reap what you sow. Hey! We didn't invent karma. You put all that good stuff out into the universe and you're supposed to get it back, whether through good fortune, or limited-time, minimum-purchase-required Olive Garden coupons, or whatever else it is you truly desire. And if you put those bad, icky vibes out there—not our fault. You know the deal. No free breadsticks coupons in your mailbox, pal. Not a one.

Laughing Buddha (Indian Sandalwood) Scented Net Weight: Approximately 10 oz. Burn time: 60 hours Note: Because all of our candles are handmade, no two are identical.

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A Candle For Bless Your Heart | Funny Candle

$ 28.00

Pink Mocktail Scented Net Weight: Approximately 10 oz. Burn time: 60 hours Note: Because all of our candles are handmade, no two are identical.

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A Candle for Generic Gifts~ Smells Like A Re-Gift

$ 12.00

Hilariously fun candle from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

Smells like a re-gift

There are two kinds of people: people who regularly re-gift, and people who aren't steaming piles of garbage. There's really nothing more enjoyable than having to feign gratefulness over a set of hideous holiday hand towels you saw someone open last Christmas. Can you just stop already? Give me a card next time, or a holiday fist bump. Literally anything but another depression-inducing, decorative snowman serving platter. 

Garden-variety mint scented; approximately 7 oz; burn time: 40 hours. Note: Because all candles are handmade, no two are identical.

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Soap for That's What She Said ~ Smells Like A Cream-Filled Snack Cake

$ 11.95

Hilariously fun bar of soap from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

Why is this so hard?

That’s what she said! And who is she, you ask? The kinda person who has an office and a workspace, that's who. I mean, what kind of sociopath can create in the same place they conduct business? Hey, I know when I get frustrated, or irritated, or angry—I just smell all my soap and candles. And poof! It goes away, just like that. And that’s what she said.

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Soap for Karens ~ Smells Like A Can Of Hairspray And A 911 Trigger Finger

$ 11.95

Hilariously fun bar of soap from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

Who let her in here?

Damn, we were all just minding our own businesses behind masks and politeness distances at Trader Joe's and in stormed THIS walking can of hair spray. She startled me so much I dropped my non-dairy oat beverage, which you know is vital to my health after that last bout with lactose intolerance at the skating rink. It's the question that keeps haunting us all. No really, who let her in here?

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Soap for Morning People ~ Smells Like A Hell No

$ 11.95

Hilariously fun bar of soap from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

Smells like a hell no.

Everyone knows I love mornings. Especially when they start after two, two-thirty in the afternoon. That way I can combine breakfast, lunch, and dinner into one healthy tomato smoothie. With vodka. A lot of vodka. And two pots of coffee as a follow-up. It's called coping, people. I have PTSD from not being invited to a single Ugly Christmas Sweater party this year.

Sugar Cereal Coma Scented;  approx 6 oz soap. All Whiskey River Soaps are handmade and no two bars are identical.

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Soap for You're The Worst ~ Smells Like That's Why I Love You

$ 11.95

Hilariously fun bar of soap from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

But really. You are.

Of course, it makes me look that much better when I'm standing next to you. Which is the only reason I DO stand next to you. Kidding. You know I love ya. Even though you're the worst.

Snarky Candy Hearts Scented;  approx 6 oz soap. All Whiskey River Soaps are handmade and no two bars are identical.

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Soap for Salty Servers ~ Smells Like Petty Customers and Biting Your Tongue

$ 11.95

Hilariously fun bar of soap from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

Can we move to that booth over there?

I’ve got a tip for you: Don’t expect me to smile when I bring your custom salad: "Hold the lettuce, arugula, croutons, cheese and onions, zebra milk dressing on the side, oh and can I add tofu hand-kneaded by the Blue Hmong of Vietnam?" I mean, yeah, sure, coming right up!

Strawberry Milkshake Scented;  approx 6 oz soap. All Whiskey River Soaps are handmade and no two bars are identical.

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Soap for Bromance ~ Smells Like Someone Has a New Friend

$ 11.95

Hilariously fun bar of soap from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

Frisbee golf date?

I used to consider you a lone wolf, but that's all in the past now. Yeah, I saw you buying that growler of Belgian dark ale for your new beer-whispering bestie. And what about the weekend guy trips to breweries and sporting events posted on your Instas? I gotta say, I'm loving this new lighter side of you. It's just so precious.

Testosterone Light (Teakwood and Cardamom) Scented;  approx 6 oz soap. All Whiskey River Soaps are handmade and no two bars are identical.

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Greetings from the Hot Mess Desert | Funny Puzzle

$ 19.99

The perfect place to nurse a hangover while fending off rattlesnakes! Welcome to the unadulterated beauty of the Hot Mess Desert! A true adventurer’s destination for those looking to camp, hike, star-gaze, and throw buckets of fuel on the burning dumpster fire that is your current life. On top of that, you’ll probably end up with a massive sunburn and new appreciation for a tamer life.

Puzzle size: 26 7/8" W x 19 1/4" H

Box size: 10" W x 8 1/8" H x 2 3/8" D

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Greetings from the Isle of Self Pity | Funny Puzzle

$ 19.99

A one-way trip to your own private island of feeling sorry for yourself! Welcome to the Isle of Self Pity, the only vacation destination in the Sea of Wet Hot Tears where you can surf, catch some rays, and bask in the blinding narcissism of knowing that you have it worse than anyone who has ever lived on this wretched and cold-hearted planet. 

Puzzle size: 26 7/8" W x 19 1/4" H

Box size: 10" W x 8 1/8" H x 2 3/8" D

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Greetings from Fomo Mountain | Funny Puzzle

$ 19.99

A great spot to sit and wonder what cool stuff everyone else is doing! Welcome to FOMO Mountain, a place you frequently visit when you’re scrolling through social media feeds wondering why nobody ever invites you to the really fun stuff like personal family vacations and celebrity destination weddings on private islands where you don’t actually know anyone. It’s simply not fair.

Puzzle size: 26 7/8" W x 19 1/4" H

Box size: 10" W x 8 1/8" H x 2 3/8" D

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Greetings from Bad Decision Bluffs | Funny Puzzle

$ 19.99

Breathtaking views of all your bad decisions crashing into the shore! Welcome to Bad Decision Bluffs, where sky-high hopes and dreams meet the chaotic turbulence of the rough waters below. Perch on the edge—pretty much as far out as you can go—to get the best view of each and every poor decision you’ve ever made, including wearing fancy shoes to hike up a cliff.  1,000+ jigsaw pieces.

Puzzle size: 26 7/8" W x 19 1/4" H

Box size: 10" W x 8 1/8" H x 2 3/8" D

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A Candle For the Favorite Child | Funny Candle

$ 28.00

I'm not one to brag. And that's just one of the reasons I'm the favorite child. Intelligence, charm, rugged good looks, and modesty. Mom and Dad said they broke the mold when they made me. But I'm not supposed to tell you that. I hear you're pretty fragile. And that's why I'm so nice to you! Honestly, you're so lucky to have me as a sibling.

Better Clothes Scented

Net Weight: Approximately 10 oz. Burn time: 60 hours

Note: Because all of our candles are handmade, no two are identical.

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A Candle For Working Girls | Funny Candle

$ 28.00

Sneaky Vaping Scented (Juicy Fruit)

Net Weight: Approximately 10 oz. Burn time: 60 hours

Note: Because all of our candles are handmade, no two are identical.

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A Candle For A True Survivor | Funny Candle

$ 28.00

Blue Skies Scented

Net Weight: Approximately 10 oz. Burn time: 60 hours

Note: Because all of our candles are handmade, no two are identical.

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A Candle For the Garden Goddess | Funny Candle

$ 28.00

Garden of Eden Scented

Net Weight: Approximately 10 oz. Burn time: 60 hours

Note: Because all of our candles are handmade, no two are identical.

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A Candle For Positive Vibes | Funny Candle

$ 28.00

Ray of Sunshine Scented

Fragrance: Lemon & Vanilla

Net Weight: Approximately 10 oz. Burn time: 60 hours

Note: Because all of our candles are handmade, no two are identical.

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A Candle For My Favorite Teacher | Funny Candle

$ 28.00

Cool Cucumber Scented

Fragrance: Cucumber

Net Weight: Approximately 10 oz. Burn time: 60 hours Note: Because all of our candles are handmade, no two are identical.

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A Candle For More Cowbell | Funny Candle

$ 28.00

Christopher Walken Scented

Fragrance: Wood

Net Weight: Approximately 10 oz. Burn time: 60 hours Note: Because all of our candles are handmade, no two are identical.

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A Candle For Living the Dream | Funny Candle

$ 28.00

Boxed Wine Scented Fragrance: Merlot, Champagne Pomegranate

Net Weight: Approximately 10 oz. Burn time: 60 hours Note: Because all of our candles are handmade, no two are identical.

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A Candle For I Love That For You | Funny Candle

$ 28.00

Yellow Roses Scented

Net Weight: Approximately 10 oz. Burn time: 60 hours

Note: Because all of our candles are handmade, no two are identical.

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A Candle For Dog People | Funny Candle

$ 28.00

Smells like drool. But you're used to that, right? In fact, if I had to guess I'd say your dog is probably sitting in the tub with you right now. Not that I blame you. My dog Charlie is tucked in bed with me right now. And we're wearing matching dog bone jammies.

Grassy Dog Park Scented Net Weight: Approximately 10 oz. Burn time: 60 hours Note: Because all of our candles are handmade, no two are identical.

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A Candle For Cat People | Funny Candle

$ 28.00

Hairball much? Your cats are circling the tub, but don't count on them joining you unless you really are bathing in warm milk. And maybe you are. You cat people are cuh-razy. I should know. I have 14. What? Don't judge. My house may be full of hairballs and cat toys, but at least they don't leave the toilet seat up. Most days.

Warm Milk Scented Net Weight: Approximately 10 oz. Burn time: 60 hours Note: Because all of our candles are handmade, no two are identical.

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Pencils for Okay Moms

$ 12.00

Hilariously fun pencil set from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

CONGRATULATIONS.

You're the world's okayest mom! Please don’t take offense! Face it, perfect moms are the absolute worst, what with their spotless car seats, healthy and organic snacks packed neatly in recyclable containers, and quick-draw first aid kits. Okay moms are where it’s at. Okay moms are where you want to live: sippy cup wine, the five-second rule, and naps that overlap into second naps.Little White Lies Pencils

8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils

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Pencils for Midlife Crisis

$ 12.00

Hilariously fun pencil set from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

WHO SAYS EXISTENTIAL DREAD CAN'T BE FUN?

Congratulations, you’ve made it to middle age! All those years of being “financially responsible” means you can finally buy a motorcycle and the bitchin’ leather jacket to match. Or maybe a year-long silent meditation retreat is more your speed. Either way, you’ve earned it, after all. At least that’s what you’re going to tell yourself on the way to surf camp.

Little White Lies Pencils
8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils

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Pencils for Little White Lies

$ 12.00

Hilariously fun pencil set from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

OMG, Crossfit? YES.

I looooove working out. If I could, I would do it 24/7. It’s just that I have all these obligations and such since I took that sabbatical from work. Oh, yeah, technically they called it “fired” but I was going to take a creative break anyway. And I LOVE my free time! I mean, I don’t really have any, of course, and that’s why I’m not hitting the gym at the moment....

Little White Lies Pencils
8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils

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Pencils for Cool Dads

$ 12.00

Hilariously fun pencil set from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

SO FUNNY, I FORGOT TO LAUGH.

Where in the heck are you and the other dads getting these so-called “jokes” from anyway, Corny Dads Quarterly? I mean, come on now… Does every conversation need a fart reference? Are you all a hive mind? I’m kidding, Dad. I totally respect the dad comedy. You’ve always said that money doesn’t grow on trees, but maybe dad jokes do!

Cool Dads Pencils
8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils

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Soap For Soul Mates ~ Smells Like Me And A Piping Hot Cinnamon Roll

$ 11.95

Hilariously fun bar of soap from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

My soul mate?

The truth of the matter is, that when I think of potential soul mates, I tend to think in terms of food, cats, booze, naps, Netflix, and knee socks. Oh. And you. Of course, you. I meant to say you first, I promise. As long as you're not getting in the way of my other soul mates. Then you're off the list.

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Soap for Cat Videos ~ Smells Like The Meaning Of Life

$ 11.95

Hilariously fun bar of soap from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

Smells like the meaning of life

And cheaper than therapy

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Soap for Messy People ~ Smells Like a Potential Genius

$ 11.95

Hilariously fun bar of soap from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

Signs of a genius:

Messy desk. Books stacked everywhere. Dirty dishes. Fast food napkin collection. Fourteen cats. Random underwear in the driveway.... wait a second. Maybe these are just signs of an established hoarder....

Unopened Mr. Clean Scented;  approx 6 oz soap. All Whiskey River Soaps are handmade and no two bars are identical.

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Soap for Hangovers ~ Smells Like Hair of the Dog

$ 11.95

Hilariously fun bar of soap from Whiskey River Soap Co., makes a great gift!

Why do I do this to myself?

The pounding headache, the cold sweat, the I'm-totally-gonna-vom-on-my-way-to-work feeling... yeah, we're familiar with the good ol' fashioned hangover. I'm never drinking again. Well, except that this Friday is happy hour at my fave biker joint uptown, and I just got some brand spankin' new leather pants for the occasion. Okay, I'm never drinking again till the weekend starts. Maybe.

Bloody Mary Scented;  approx 6 oz soap. All Whiskey River Soaps are handmade and no two bars are identical.

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